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Practicing Communication Skill

Hurt and Healing
Feb 13

By Alivia Delisle-Isfeld

Improving Communication with the "I Have a Fantasy" Skill

Clear communication is key in any relationship. The "I Have a Fantasy" skill helps you express your feelings without assuming the worst. It allows you to share your thoughts as possibilities, which opens up a space for understanding and prevents misunderstandings.


In the picture, two couples are walking down the street, enjoying each other's company. The men have their arms casually draped around the shoulders of their partners as they stroll together, creating a warm and affectionate atmosphere. The group appears relaxed and happy, with smiles on their faces as they share this moment. The street around them is lively, with a hint of urban charm in the background.

Here’s how to practice this helpful communication tool with your partner:


1. Acknowledge Your Interpretation:

  • Start by noticing when you are reacting to a situation with assumptions or interpretations. For example, you might feel frustrated, confused, or anxious about something your partner did or said.

  • Identify that your emotional reaction may be based on a fantasy (an imagined story or assumption) rather than a confirmed reality.


2. Use "I Have a Fantasy" to Express Your Perception:

  • Instead of accusing or jumping to conclusions, express your thoughts as a "fantasy" or possibility. This shows you're sharing your perception and are open to other interpretations.

  • Example Initiation: "I have a fantasy that you didn't want to talk to me because you seemed distracted earlier."

  • Keep your tone neutral, non-accusatory, and open to clarification. This is key for effective communication.


3. Listen and Be Open to Clarification:

  • After expressing your fantasy, give your partner a chance to clarify and explain. Stay open-minded, without interrupting or becoming defensive.

  • Example Response: "Oh no, I wasn’t distracted, I was just thinking about something. I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored."


4. Reflect and Integrate the New Information:

  • Once your partner provides clarification, take a moment to reflect on their response. Recognize if your initial fantasy was accurate or if it was a misinterpretation.

  • This process helps you understand your partner's behavior without jumping to conclusions.

  • Show gratitude towards your partner for clarifying and reassuring you, as this encourages them to do so again in the future. 


5. Practice Regularly:

  • The more you practice this skill, the easier it becomes to express perceptions without letting them escalate into conflict.

  • Keep practicing with various situations, big and small, until it becomes a natural part of your communication style. Practicing in small areas first can reduce anxiety in bigger situations. 

  • Practice letting go of a misunderstanding once it is determined to be inaccurate. 

 

This skill helps prevent misunderstandings, encourages vulnerability and empathy, builds stronger communication, and reduces reactivity. 

 

How to for each person: 

For Partner 1 (The One Sharing the Fantasy):


1.    Acknowledge the Emotional Impact:

·         Start by acknowledging the feeling or assumption behind your reaction.

·         Example: "I feel confused..." or "I’m starting to wonder..."


2.    Use Clear, Non-Accusatory Language:

·         Phrase your thoughts as possibilities, not accusations.

·         Example: "I have a fantasy that you might be upset with me because of what happened earlier."


3.    Keep It Brief:

  • Be direct and avoid over-explaining or adding unnecessary details.

  • Example: "I have a fantasy that you’re distant because you're mad at me."


4.    Focus on Your Perception:

  • Frame it as your perception, not a statement of fact.

  • Example: "I have a fantasy that you’re avoiding me right now."


For Partner 2 (The One Responding to the Fantasy):


1.    Stay Calm and Non-Defensive:

  • Approach the situation with an open mind. Acknowledge their feelings without getting defensive.

  • Example: "I can see how you might think that, but that's not the case."


2.    Clarify, Don’t Argue:

  • Offer your side of the story, focusing on facts and your emotional state, not dismissing the other person's perception.

  • Example: "I wasn’t mad, I was just tired and needed space."


3.    Be Brief and to the Point:

  • Respond succinctly with a focus on explaining the reality, without over-elaboration.

  • Example: "No, I'm not mad, I just had a long day."


4.    Validate Their Feelings:

  • Even if their perception wasn’t accurate, validate their feelings to show empathy.

  • Example: "I understand why you might feel that way, and I’m glad you told me."


Embracing the 'I Have a Fantasy' skill, we open the door to clearer, kinder communication in our relationships. It allows us to express our feelings without blame and to listen with empathy, fostering a deeper understanding between partners. With practice, this simple tool can transform how we connect, helping to prevent misunderstandings and build stronger, more supportive bonds. Remember, each conversation is an opportunity to grow closer—one word, one possibility, and one moment at a time.


 

Starting February 24, 2025, join The HeartWorks—a supportive group to help you connect more deeply with your partner. Learn new ways to communicate, understand each other, and strengthen your relationship. Attend the sessions that work best for you. Sign up today and make this month about growing stronger together!



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